by the way..i updated quite a few entries recently..pls move back to previous entries after reading this..they're probably much more impt..and not just plain rambling..

starting to feel the strain and stress of being a yr2..not only is the content more foreign, the amt we're required to absorb each week are also insane..ok i know for PEs and GEs it's the same for everyone..not really a yr2 thing so i shall not comment..but 229 (Basic Audio Video Production) to me is really like in mars language..totally catch no ball in tutorial man..i constantly feel like i've missed the most fundamental introductory tutorial..but of cos..i haven't. so why is it that i'm the only one confused?? sigh..maybe there are some things in life that i'm better suited for..just that i haven't found them..

in the past, i used to think that i did not do certain things because i wasn't given the chance to..but now that i'm given so many chances and choices, i did not take them up..i'm starting to question how well i know myself..whether this shows that it's my true personality, or that i've grown less enthusiastic seeing the commitment i've to put in..

i used to ask myself..what would i change if i could relive my life agn..from any point in time i wanted..and i realised i dunno..cos everything builds up from the past..and if i really have to construct everything from the time i was born..do i have to interfere in how my parents and family bring me up? of cos, turning back time is not possible..but it is an impt qn to ask cos it shows what i'm dissatisfied with..and from this..i've made certain plans for my future..but they're difficult plans..and it is difficult working for the future when i'm just barely surviving for the present..

i know my results are dissatisfactory..and i've worked out the cause for this..just that..everything builds up like i said..and everytime i try to make a change for the future..something will pop out to distract or make me hesitant..sigh..really..it's not that i dun want or never tried to improve..any kind of success encompasses personality..and it's something i differ from the successful..

i really want us to be happy..to work out for a long time..but i can't help but fear that the final straw will be drawn by the other side of me..the ridiculous me..since it's not impossible that i turn into another person on some days of the month..those days are scary..i hate myself for being the nasty person i am..i hate the raging hormones..hopefully they'll recede in nature like the pimples on my face.. :|

ok..that's all for tonite..readings unread, yawning away, guts half spilled..

ラベル: innermost feeling, spontaneous rant

dun get me wrong, i dun mean it in a bad way..but thru some ppl, i see for myself how unexpected BGRs can be formed, and how some ppl, who in others' eyes are clearly beyond the boundaries of being friends, are keeping their distance..

of cos, when i was a freshie, i had my own share of temptations and confusions (notwithstanding the possibility of reciprocating of cos), but in the end, fortunately, they remain as what they are - tempations and confusions only - and not developing me into a different or worse person.

i think, for the past year, bam and i had our fair share of tears and fears..both from each other and also from ourselves..but fortunately agn, they did not develop into threats that could have marred our feelings for each other..threats that couples often give in lieu of their own fear and insecurity..

i dare not say how long we will last..but at least..for the time that we are together..our relationship is based on respect, toleration and understanding (though i cannot claim to have achieved these as well as bam..), and i believe..is what a relationship should be..cos love is never enough..

i dunno why i'm saying all these tonite..but i know it all came to me when i realised entering uni really changes alotof things..regardless for better or for worse..depending on whose stand u're taking..but i'm glad it didn't affect me and my stable life..or rather..i chose not to risk my stable life for an uncertain future..and luckily for me..after seeing my life for the past year..i'm glad i made the right choice..and credits to bam for influencing me the right way..as always.. (:

being a senior and seeing history repeat itself helps alot in telling the course of nature..until sometimes it's not at all difficult to tell what the future will be..all it takes is some observation and memory..

but whatever it is, i'm grateful to bam for turning my life out to be so much better than if i only had myself to manage it..simply cos he is bam..he thinks, he plans, and he does things for two ppl..hee :D

am i making you jealous? too bad..cos i'm pebbles..and you're not..

ラベル: innermost feeling, motivational post

as usual, i get disgusted reading some blogs..but it's just my personal biases i guess. and different thinking. i mean i cant prevent them from bragging/broadcasting/fabricating their wonderful, amazing, fulfilling life rite. and it gets rather obvious when u know the person personally. oh well, the world's like that, isn't it? it's how you appear to be that others care abt..

hall foc's rather fun..funner than i expected. lol..it's sometimes good to have lower expectations..you live life happier and simpler. but anyway, got to see the behind-the-scenes of the making of this big event. and i have to say, being a senior and observing others work is a whole dimension apart when we were freshies..just mere participants in the staged performance. you get to hear more complaints, more gossip, and you get to see how silly you look a year ago. oh well, what goes around comes around, eh?

watched the fireworks yesterday..ok..duh..like who didn't rite? but we had a rather good view from the spot bam found. and the whole video is shot on the very fabulous device that is everything but a phone, the Nokia 6280! sadly, it is neither uploadable nor sendable. so ppl just have to come to the phone i guess. haha.

shall not mention the things that depress me lately, cos they're monetary woes that could have been avoided had i been more cautious. now it's me against time, and supply.

after camp and one wk of school, my mapling attitude is somewhat warped. sigh. i no longer play as fervently as i can. that is so sad. maybe, the day i become a dk, i have long convocated and on my way to replace the oldest maple player.

nothing can lift my spirits up much, except maybe a canon ixus 30 or a slot in ms 8001. i hope this ugly phase of life will end soon.

ラベル: juicy update, spontaneous rant