anyway, i've been sick for the time i was away..sick of stuff and people for the first half of the period..and literally sick for the second..and thus i've been putting this impt entry away..

this period in hall has really let me see the more impt sides of life..that i can't devote as much time to other people as i do to some..unless i've infinite hours a day..or dedication to everyone alike..

it has also taught me it's quite pointless to chase after some vanishing things or people..because with the passing of everyday..they change..

i begin to constantly ask myself what i really wanna do..and not do things just for the sake of proving that i'm loyal/not a coward/not looking for excuses/really wanna do it/dun have any ulterior motives..which i'm not..there are quite some things i force myself to do in a faint hope of achieving something..not cos i truly wanna do it..and i'm not even sure if i want that something..yup..it's time to take control..

of cos..there are commitments..stuff that u muz do with an innate sense of responsibility..stuff u'll do even if it means waking up early in the morning despite having insomnia..or going to the lib to research on how to use dreamweaver..cos u know u'll never get past the guilt of escaping from it..for no reason anyway..what's so great abt escaping? with one person escaping, many others might be dragged in to cover the gap..

and then, there is this strange feeling of indebtation to my frens..the feeling that i could have done more..the feeling that they've done so much for me..i dunno if the reasons i never got to do anything for them are excuses..or if i'm thinking too much cos it didn't really matter that much..

overall..a semester spent alternating between subtle misery and happiness..

ラベル: innermost feeling